There are common non-negotiables we look for in a prospective partner. They should be kind, caring and thoughtful. Having a shared interest helps. So does remembering important dates and anniversaries. But how much does it matter if they know how to pronounce the word âgnocchiâ?
Turns out thatâs a potential dealbreaker, at least according to a (rather judgy) cohort on TikTok. See: the âIlliterate Boyfriendâ trend, which is testing some couples on the app. Users have compiled a list of what are essentially SAT words for women to ask their male partners to read. Many of these men â this is an overwhelmingly heterosexual activity â fail to finish the list unscathed. They trip over entries such as âhyperboleâ, âcynicismâ, âdiaphragmaticâ and the oft-butchered French term, âhors dâoeuvresâ.
âI want you to do your best to pronounce these words,â one woman asks her boyfriend in a clip viewed more than 8.8m times. He gamely nails his first attempt, reading off the herb âthymeâ. But heâs less successful with âepitomeâ, âchallahâ and âfuchsiaâ. (âFoo-chia?â he guesses). âConscientiousâ and âfaux pasâ also prove tricky. He ends up with a score of five out of 17, or 29% â very much a failing grade.
The couple laughed through the exercise, but viewers were not as charmed by an adult man struggling through what they considered basic vocabulary. âThe fact that his vote matters just as much as mine is really pissing me off,â one woman wrote in the comments section. âIâm gonna be honest girl, this is worth breaking up with him over,â read another comment.
Two of the words the man correctly identified were âcolonelâ and âregimeâ, which, to one user, was evidence of a red flag: âheâs obviously a Republicanâ. (Maybe he just has an interest in military history, a time-honored hobby of boyfriends everywhere.) Regardless of political affiliation, it seemed fair game to dunk on Mr Foo-chia. One final quip from a viewer: âHeâd be so upset if he could read these comments.â
The test made its way around TikTok, with more young couples joining in, to similarly bleak results. Even those men who did well got caught up in the pop-misandry circus. One man zipped through the list, ending with a perfect score and a self-satisfied grin. It was not the flex he might have hoped for. âThis is the barest fckn minimumest [sic] of bare minimums,â one woman commented. âThe men are being praised for literacy weâre in hell,â wrote another.
Distress over so-called âintelligence gapsâ brings to mind a phenomenon that reverses decades of dating precedent: women are now more likely to marry less-educated men than men are to marry less-educated women. This is not necessarily by womenâs choice; it is the new dating pool. According to a 2024 Pew Research report, in 1995, young men and women were equally likely to hold a bachelorâs degree. Now, 47% of women ages 25 to 34 have one, compared with 37% of their male counterparts.
âWe do have in our mating market an oversupply of educated women and an undersupply of formally educated men â Iâm talking academically, not necessarily in their skill set, emotional or social intelligence,â said Dr Wendy Walsh, a clinical psychologist and expert at DatingNews.com.
Dr Jess Carbino is a former sociologist for Tinder and Bumble who studies dating apps. When she polls people on what they look for in a partner, âintelligenceâ is rarely in the top three desired traits. âThey say things like humor, kindness, attractiveness, typically,â she said. âMaybe people on the coasts â New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco â might say intelligence. But by and large, thatâs not one of the top things being measured.â And there are so many different ways to consider intelligence, spelling being a way to formally test fourth-graders, not romantic partners.
One thing people do want is an equal. âItâs not necessarily that someone needs a specific degree or to know every word in the dictionary,â said Robin Hamilton, a couples therapist. âItâs more: are you able to communicate with me, are you able to meet me halfway with the subjects that Iâm talking about?â
One of those subjects might be reading, an indicator of vocabulary range. Menâs rates of book reading have slipped over the past decade; nearly half of all women read just one novel or short story in 2022, but only one in four men did. According to data from Tinder, mentions of books in bios on the dating app jumped 40% this year among women, but only 23% among men. Women believe they see this disparity playing out on TikTok, even if it is through an ultimately meaningless list.
It is elitist â and naive â to draw any real conclusions about what makes a good partner based on a reading test. This âIlliterate Boyfriendâ list contains words that may be more indicator of class than intelligence, conflating education with one trait women have prioritized for hundreds of years, mostly due to necessity: having money.
But the trend also reflects a wider disillusionment among straight women, who are significantly less likely to want to date than men are, partly because they say itâs hard to find someone who checks all their boxes. âHe looks at the word âqueueâ and pronounces it âqwi-weeâ?â one woman said in a video responding to the test. âAnd you still have sex with him?â
âItâs rage bait for women who are frustrated and angry with the mating marketplace that is slanted unfairlyâ against women, Walsh said, adding: âItâs OK to date a guy who canât say epitome or niçoise. I have a PhD, but I need spellcheck for hors dâoeuvres.â
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